I may or may not have mentioned in the first part of this story that I cried about a lot of things over the past month. I actually managed to cry for 40 minutes straight on one drive to the hospital. Not just trickling tears, but soulful sobs. The pain just came in waves, over and over and over, hitting the shores of my heart, tumbling and rolling, and crashing. I couldn't stop.
My.heart.hurt.
My heart hurt for me. My heart hurt for my family. My heart hurt for my daughter.
It hurt because I was scared. I was sad. I was angry. I was confused. I was disappointed.
I knew the answer to all of my own questions, but I'm human and I
couldn't help but wonder. Why me? Why was I chosen? What did I do to
deserve this?
I thought things, and felt things that I didn't want to think. Things I didn't want to admit. Things I was scared to talk about.
Jason and I would just look at each other sometimes and know what the other was thinking. We took turns crying and being strong. We traded laughter for tears a few times, because that's just who we are. Every moment was a new emotion, and we just had to feel them all. We promised each other many times in those days that we would ALWAYS talk about it. We promised to be honest with each other no matter what the feeling was, and vowed that we had a safe harbor in each other to be able to say anything that we needed to say, and trust me, we said it all. Everything you think we might have thought, we did. I don't think there's an inch of emotional ground we didn't cover...and being that we (I) cried every last drop I had left in me, it was time to shift gears.
My questions shifted.
My thoughts shifted.
My "why's" were not the same.
There was no longer that search for the oasis. Where I thought I needed water, there was dry land. The wounds were healing. The tears were drying. I would cross through this desert and not thirst. There was no reason to keep searching for something I had hoped to see. God placed the true vision, clear as day, right there in front of me.
I was now asking the same questions, but with a different heart. My
blinded, distrusting, scared, wavering, worried, human eyes were opened
again. They were opened once again to God's promises.
I urge you, as you walk this journey with me to try asking these questions one way, and then asking them again with a new vision, a new heart.
Come with me. Try it.
Why me God?
Why ME God?
Why did you choose me?
Why did you choose ME?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did I do to deserve THIS?
I remember EXACTLY when it was. I will NEVER forget exactly when it was. (It was Monday. Monday April 7 at 630 pm)
There in one moment was the shift. In just one single moment.
Everything changed.
I had an amazing, beautiful, perfect little daughter.
I had an amazing, beautiful, perfect little daughter, with Down Syndrome.
She was created for a purpose.
She was fearfully and wonderfully made.
She was woven and spun.
She was...
Kali Raine Marie Owens...
MOST BEAUTIFUL QUEEN.
She was mine.
She was OURS!!!!
God you are so good.
GOD. You are SO, SO GOOD.
Kali Raine. What did I do to deserve YOU my sweet love? My sweet birdie girl.
Oh my heart. Oh, my GOD.
What did I do to deserve this? Why did you choose ME to be her mom?
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh my glorious, wonderful, all knowing, all powerful God.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Oh sweet, sweet Kali Raine Marie.
Joy comes in the morning. YOU are my joy. You are my hope. You are my heart.
To be continued...
